Hello! I’m glad you found my blog!

Before getting into the why’s, how’s and when’s of my story I thought I’d give some background so you know whose words you’re reading. I won’t be sharing my identity just yet, but those who knew me well growing up just might recognize me through these introductory blogs. If you do, reach out! I’d love to talk to you.

Let’s start with my parents and family.

My parents are educators at heart though they made the decision for my mom to be a stay-at-home mom causing my dad to switch gears to his second love, business. He purchased a franchise and dove into running his company. He was good at it and made more than he would have as a teacher, but we were never wealthy. We had enough and it was a good childhood.

My mother grew up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with a kind, loving and gentle father and a mother who suffered from mental illness her entire life but did her best to raise her family. She was also an intelligent, brave woman who defied common medical advice at the time and insisted on keeping a severely disabled close in age to my mother in their home and raised him there despite the judgement and disparaging opinions of the rest of the world. When she did finally have to put him into a home (he got too big for her to take care of him), she advocated for him and the rest of the residents and, with her help, the resident home started an education program, changing the lives of many.

My father was raised with 7 siblings and his parents did everything from running their own small farm and working the fields of other farmers with larger operations to owning 3 different business. They were good, honest people who raised determined and driven children but their home did lack affection and there were times when some of his siblings didn’t speak to each other for many, many years. My grandmother and I had a special bond. She passed away a number of years ago, but I love her very much. She was prickly on the outside, but her heart was soft and if you got in, you were in forever. My grandfather was a good man and a cowboy at heart. He actually was a cowboy when he and my grandma met. He was smart, honest and industrious. He also rolled his own cigarettes, which was always fascinating to me as a kid. He passed away close to the time my other grandfather passed away.

My parents met in my home town. They didn’t hit it off at first, but as soon as they got to know each other they fell in love quickly. When my dad asked my mom for her hand in marriage, she asked him to give her some time. Mom was active in The Church and my dad was not a member of any religion or church. She put him off for a month while she prayed for guidance until she finally felt she had the support of her Heavenly Father and agreed to marry him. They moved almost immediately to California and 3 years later Dad converted to the Gospel. He saw the goodness in the Church and the people and wanted that for his family. They were sealed in the Temple with my oldest sister a year later.

I have 3 older sisters who were all born in Southern California where my father was teaching high school. My parents then moved to the Salt Lake area where I was born. When I was 3 we moved to a neighboring state where my Dad had been born and raised and that’s where I grew up.

Soon after moving there, I have a very distinct memory of a decision that has impacted my entire life. My Mom had an undiagnosed thyroid issue. Thyroid issues quite often cause depression and that was the case with my mother. I don’t remember my mom being depressed, but I do remember standing at the open front door of our house with morning sun pouring in and making a decision. I had cutoffs on and no shirt, and I’m pretty sure it was Spring because the warmth felt really good, as if I’d been missing it. I called to Mom who was in the kitchen to tell her what a pretty day it was. It was in that moment I made the conscious decision that her feelings and happiness were more important than mine. That decision governed nearly every relationship I had for almost 50 years.

Growing up, my family was well respected and loved in and out of the LDS Church. That said, we were far from a cookie cutter Mormon family. While we lived in a very conservative area and belonged to a very conservative church, my parents were progressive and taught us to think for ourselves.

I’d like to share some very key experiences with my family that helped me realize that nothing, even what was taught to me at Church, was black and white:

-Many conversations around the dinner table would start with “this does not leave these 4 walls”, after which my parents would discuss issues they had with leaders in the ward, stake or even general authorities. To be clear, they were not critical, judgmental or disparaging, they just discussed the issues and spoke about what they believed and how to manage any dichotomy.

-During my sophomore year of high school, we were discussing social issues in one of my classes, one being abortion. I asked my mom for her opinion and she avoided answering me for a few days. When I finally pinned her down, she said simply, “it’s a moral issue and should not be legislated.” She chose her words carefully. She didn’t say it was a personal decision, but a moral issue. In other words, a person may want an abortion but if their religious or moral beliefs were such that doing so would be wrong, then, no matter how painful, inconvenient, or life altering, they would probably choose to go through with the pregnancy. If they aborted it and their belief system was correct, then they would face dire consequences. If someone’s moral beliefs did not speak against abortion, they, being without the law, should be free to do what they feel is best for them and it is not our right to judge.

-My Dad was the only LDS Church member in his family for many, many years. When any of his family were in town, we spent time with them, even if it was Sunday and we would miss Church. Family first was always his motto and I heard him give that advice to many others over the years.

-When I was in High School my mom lent me a book to read called “A Thoughtful Faith”. If you’re not familiar with it, it is a collection of essays written by Church members with various backgrounds but one distinct thing in common. They do not shy away from hard questions and many went through significant faith crises. They write about how they reconcile their own dichotomy to retain their faith.

-My Mom hated the “homemaking” and later the “enrichment” programs in Relief Society and was somewhat vocal about it. She was an intellectual, strong woman and very frustrated with the “role” of mother and homemaker the Church then portrayed as ideal. She may have been a stay-at-home Mom and did her share of baking bread, canning, gardening, and nurturing, but in no way was she a typical Mormon Mom. By the time I was a Sophomore in High school, I was doing my own laundry, making my own breakfasts and most dinners. She was NOT the family’s servant like many of my friend’s mothers were. She also had equal say about what went on with the family, the house and the finances. My Dad respected her opinion as an equal.

-My parents did not judge and were accepting of all people, regardless of their religion, race, background, and sexual orientation.

-I was 8 when my maternal grandfather died. He and my grandma, thought members of the LDS Church since they were children, hadn’t been going to church for at least 20 years before he died. I was worried that he wasn’t going to be in the Celestial Kingdom because of that. During the funeral I got the distinct impression through the Spirit that he would be judged by his heart and, yes, he was going to the Celestial Kingdom.

-I had recently turned 18 and started to attend Gospel Doctrine. One Sunday the lesson was taught by a sweet man in the ward who just happened to be very black and white in his beliefs. He stressed that the only way to heaven was by following the tenets of the LDS Church….period. My Dad then quietly showed me a scripture from the Doctrine & Covenants, a Mormon collection of modern scripture, and said to me…”There are many roads that will lead people to Heaven.”

There are more experiences such as these that I learned from, but that’s enough for now. In essence, I was taught to listen to the apostles and prophets as the humans that they were, knowing that many of their words stem from their own understanding and opinions. Yes, they were and are God’s representatives on earth, but not every word they speak is direct from the hand of God. Because of that I was taught to question and if I thought thatn what was being taught could be due to bias or opinion, I could rely on personal revelation to discern truth.

After hearing the pain that others have endured from their families and the dichotomy between their inner beliefs and the Church’s beliefs, I feel very fortunate for my upbringing and that I am loved by my family unconditionally. I don’t know where we, as a Church community, learned the conditional love that is so prevalent in our culture, but we certainly didn’t learn it from Christ.

These things I know:

-We can love unconditionally. And loving unconditionally has nothing to do with “loving the sinner, not the sin.” We need to love without judgement, without fear, without condition, without “even though”, without explanation, without justification, without reason, without ulterior motives. To love should be simple. Just love.

-It’s ok to disagree with Church leaders (they certainly disagree with each other…can you imagine a group of people that strong NOT having disagreements?). Remember how many talks, articles, general conference addresses, etc., exist telling us to use and nurture our personal connection with God. Personal revelation is a gift and should be trusted..

-Our testimonies are personal and should not be cookie cutter.

Until next time, be well and Believe!