Every Tuesday night I meet on Zoom with a group of pretty amazing men who, like me, find themselves caught in the dichotomy of being gay or bi and still associating in one way or another with The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints.

In one of our recent Zoom calls, the facilitator of the group asked our thoughts on the phrase “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”  There was a lot to talk about and many different kinds of fences. Here are some we discussed.

The Obvious Fence: 

Could living openly and authentically as a gay man be “greener” than staying true to Church policy and direction? Would there be more joy on that side? Would we be mentally healthier?  Would we feel more fulfilled? This is where the resident ‘I-lived-life-on-the-other-side-of-that-fence-for-20-years-before-returning-to-full-activity-in-the-church’ group member chimes in:  “There is green grass on both sides and crap on both sides.” He had real, connected love and romance on that side that he feels blessed to have experienced, but is also certain that he was spiritually led to return to the “Church” side of the fence and feels very blessed to be able to go to the temple, attend church, take the sacrament and feel the love of that community.  Others felt good about their decision to stay in their marriages and others were questioning and wondering about what that kind of connection with another man could feel like. All agreed that good and bad were most likely on both sides.

The  Straddle Fence:

There were a good number of the group who felt they were currently, or found themselves at some point in the past, straddling the fence, trying to take in what they could of both worlds without sacrificing their families, marriages or other spiritual covenants and beliefs. All felt this was dangerous and difficult. I have felt this way myself and concur it is hard and painful.

The Walking Fence:

One of the group members shared a childhood game in which he would compete with others to see who could walk the longest distance on top of a fence without falling one way or the other. That garnered a lot of talk and agreement.  Walking along and balancing, praying that God would not allow a tumble to the wrong side. 

As I pondered these and other types of fences that were discussed I began to let my mind focus on what my fence might look like? As I did so, I saw myself walking down a well traveled road and coming across a fence that appeared out of nowhere. This wasn’t a fence I could climb and get a good look over. And, no matter how far I went in either direction, there was no break and there didn’t seem to be a place to climb over. I tried to just ignore the fence and find happiness where I was, but found that was impossible. I felt a desperate need to understand and even experience what was on the other side.  It was extremely frustrating as I could sense that there was something over there, but it was blurry and impossible to make out, constantly moving and full of the most vibrant colors.

All of these thoughts came quickly, but it felt like I’d walked miles…days…months along the fence in both directions with no success. It wasn’t until I’d walked both directions and returned to the path that I understood. 

The Fence That Shouldn’t Be:

I was on the right road and my journey needed to continue on, but I couldn’t. The frustration and sadness of that fact was made worse as I could feel people on the other side, full of love and good intent, beckoning for me to come with them. That’s when I realized they couldn’t see the fence. They didn’t understand. In their reality, the fence did not exist. 

It was then I asked myself, “What is this fence made of so as to only be seen by some and not others?”  The answer I received was very specific to me and, as every person’s path is different, I will only speak to my own understanding. The answer to my question came quickly. For me, the fence is made up of 3 distinct parts: 1, rails; 2, posts; 3, the nails and screws that fasten the rails to the posts. 

The rails and posts represent parts of me that I can’t change, bury, or hide from, no matter how hard I try. The posts represent my Spiritual Identity, my testimony. The Rails represent my sexual identity, my queerness. While my spiritual identity is built with answers to prayers, personal revelation and knowledge gained through study and the application of faith in this life, my sexual identity is something inherent, unlearned. It just is. For me, both are equally powerful and both are an integral part of me. They are always there. 

So what do the nails and screws represent?  What holds this fence together, creating an impossible barrier to get around, over, through, or under. In my case these represent the many biases and prejudices of humankind; forged, cast and refined over time until it seems to most people that they have always been there, immovable, permanent, unchangeable. These include the misapplication of science that some still hold onto, that homosexuality is a choice; misinterpreted scriptures; the words of highly regarded spiritual leaders who, with the best of intentions, taught untruths based on limited knowledge and understanding through lenses of learned bias and fear. I believe that some of these connecting screws and nails have been loosened over the years as science has come to the conclusion that this is NOT a choice and as many people have spoken up about the damage done to them and others. That said, they are only loosened; they are still strong enough to hold the fence up.

Working together, I pray we can identify ALL of these man-made fasteners and, one by one, remove them from the fence so all may continue along the path and move forward.