Bias and prejudice have been on the forefront of my mind as of late and pondering about it has become an often recurring activity since admitting my sexual orientation to myself and trusted people around me.

I included the iconic optical illusion above as it reminds me of how people can see the same thing in different ways. If you’re not familiar with it, do you see an old woman or a young woman? Such it is with bias, whether intentional or unintentional. For me, bias became very real and personal when I went from living, acting, and thinking like a heterosexual cisgender white-presenting American male with a successful, beautiful wife and three accomplished, kind, Intelligent children to a divorced middle aged white gay man in a culture that doesn’t fully understand my orientation. While I have never felt more authentic, I have also never felt so uncomfortably different from the people I have been surrounded with my entire life.  I went from the father that many others looked to for guidance and direction for their own families and one of the strong, stalwart, steady and “wise” long time members to being nearly invisible…or so it seems. I am now an individual who is looked at by many as someone who is different; someone whose mere existence in the world now makes some people uncomfortable. I am still worried about what some of my students’ parents might think once I am fully out publicly. Will they feel uncomfortable letting me teach their students?  Will they be afraid I will try to push the “gay agenda” with their kids? Will they view me as a threat to traditional family values? The really strange part of all of it is that I completely understand their biases. I was one that had some of the same, though unrealized, biases less than 3 years ago. I have given some of the worst advice to friends and acquaintances struggling with their sexuality in the past. I truly thought I was a loving and accepting person. Now I realize how deep and real bias can be, even in the most well-intentioned, spiritual and Christ-like people.  For most people raised in a conservative Christian environment, to truly understand what I or another LGBTQ+ person feels or is going through is nearly impossible unless, like me, you suddenly find yourself identifying as a member of the community or someone you love comes out to you and you truly open your heart to them in an effort to understand. Or, you become a therapist and end up with them in your office.

So, life goes on and I go with it, one faltering step at a time. I don’t know when I will feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m actually not even sure what that feels like as I’ve always felt like I lived in the margins, in the gray area, in the mist with just enough light to guide my path. There were times when the light was bright and easier to see than other times. And times when there was just a faint glimmer.  During those dark times I would listen and study the words of trusted leaders and try to follow their counsel. Now I have to fully rely on my own inspiration and while that can be scary, it also necessitates an increase of personal faith in my relationship with my Heavenly Creators.

Be well, hug yourself and your loved ones and Believe.