After the closet door came crashing down, my wife and I had a lot to talk about, especially as we had very different ideas on how to move forward.

At first I didn’t see this as a problem for our marriage. We could figure it out. Now that I knew what I’d been repressing and could think more clearly about who I was, it would be easier to communicate and understand each other. Yes, there would be hard times, but I truly believed that the Spirit would help us to have an even better marriage. We would be able to overcome any challenge that was facing us. I said to her, “We’re married for Time and all Eternity, that’s a fact that neither of us want to change, so how do we move forward and make this work?” Always being concerned for me, she insisted that I needed to take some time and figure out what uncovering these repressed feelings meant for me. She said that I needed to get to know the new me before doing anything else. I did not take this in the way she meant it. She expressed this out of love and concern for my happiness and well-being. I took it as she didn’t want to work on the marriage. I was wrong. She did, but I couldn’t understand her thought processes. All I could focus on was that I loved her and wanted to stay married to her. I wanted her to want to make it work, no matter the sacrifice. After numerous attempts over the next few months of us trying to come to grips with what had just happened, I was still saying we needed to focus on the marriage and go from there. She then said something that truly surprised me. “I don’t think that’s the right approach. We need to look at all the options, including reflecting on the possibility that it would be better for us to uncouple.” At the time I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t jump in the “we’re married for Eternity so let’s figure out how we can make this work” wagon. When I questioned her she insisted that we both needed time to get to know ourselves as individuals and then we could make a decision. I didn’t know what to do with that. But one thing I did and still know about her. She always, always includes her Heavenly Father in decisions like this. She believes in personal revelation and will always search out what his will for her is.

(Before moving on with this story from my perspective, this is not just my story and there are a few things that need to be said to understand where my wife was coming from. As I discussed in my previous post, we were great parents and worked well together in that way, but intimacy, in most areas, was not growing in the ways that should have occurred as we matured. We weren’t growing closer like we wanted to and tried to. And we really tried, cried, prayed, talked and agonized over it. Especially her. Something was missing and my wife had known it for a long time. That’s why she insisted I try to figure out what was causing me pain and keeping me from truly connecting with her. When I finally came to the realization of my repressed sexuality and expressed it, at first she was just hurt and trying to process. Later she came to the realization that what was keeping us from growing closer was something neither of us could fix. It would take me quite some time to come to that realization.)

For the next 23 months we talked, we cried, we prayed, we read, and…nothing. We were at a stalemate. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to put our marriage first and figure things out from there. She continued to lovingly try to get me to pause long enough to understand that staying together might not be the best thing and that possibility needed to be on the table. At one point I was so frustrated I wished that she had never insisted that I go to therapy in the first place. Mortal life wasn’t that long…I had no problem limping to the finish line. I knew all our questions could be answered in the next life. I just wanted to have the traditional, loving, connected relationship and family that my entire life was pointed toward. I wasn’t saying it in so many words, but what I wanted was to be attracted to this incredible person that I loved so that we could be as close as we both felt we should be and I wasn’t willing to let that ideal go. For 23 months I consistently prayed for guidance and direction on how to help her understand that the ONLY way to successfully move forward was to acknowledge our Eternal Marriage and start with that fact. I read books, I listened to podcasts, I joined the Northstar Married Men support group. I found a Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage non-religious support group. I watched all the Northstar Voices of Hope videos and read and watched everything at churchofjesuschrist.org concerning same sex attraction. I saw a lot of support available and a lot of people who seemed to be successfully navigating their marriages and families.

Not long after I came out we started couples therapy with LDS Social Services. It was somewhat helpful for a time, but then the therapist got stuck. He didn’t know how to help us. We loved each other and acted accordingly, so he wasn’t sure what he needed to do. He was right, we did love each other, but why did that mean he couldn’t help us? While we loved each other we couldn’t seem to agree on the best way to move forward. The pain we were feeling from the realization that our relationship was changing was acute, but still we didn’t argue, we just couldn’t figure it out. He even expressed once that normally he would be mediating conflict and anger, but, with us, there was little to mediate. Regardless, we desparately needed guidance on what to do with our love, our family, and each other. We were not finding answers to our personal questions, nor were we coming to a meeting of the minds and we really wanted to. We also started seeing him separately, as well. Still, we were stuck.

Through all this, my wife also read and researched, but was finding little to comfort or help her. The focus all seemed to be on the non-straight spouse. Where was the help and support for the straight spouse? And why did it seem that the straight spouses, especially when they were women, weren’t talking about their pain?

This is a good time to share even more about this incredible woman I am so fortunate to have in my life. Yes, our relationship is much different, but we are still each other’s number one supporters and fans. I marvel at her strength and wish I had been able to comprehend that at the same time I was feeling lighter because I finally understood the conflict inside myself, she was suffocating in a very lonely vat of pain.

To add to her burden, just 2 weeks after that fateful anniversary, she had to have a hysterectomy because of some chronic health issues. Then, not even a week into post-surgery recovery, her mother passed away. The family put off her service and burial until she was able to travel. Unfortunately, I was not in a mental or emotional state to be a good support to her. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for not being there for her the way she needed me to be. For not being her strength on the day of the funeral. It was the first time I was around any of her family since finding out I had been repressing my true sexuality for decades and my reaction was not something I could have ever anticipated. I was so completely lost and felt so vulnerable and scared. I didn’t know how to act like the person they knew. Every time I looked around, I had lost her. There she was, grieving her mother and I was NOT PRESENT. I truly tried, but was incapable of being there for her. Was she hurt by that? Absolutely and we have discussed that many times and I just don’t have a satisfactory answer for either of us of why I was so disconnected. She had every right to hold onto that and hold it against me, but of course she didn’t. She continued to love me and hope for my happiness as I hoped for hers. Her desire for me to be happy was what pushed me down this road in the first place. When I mentioned that I felt I could hold on until the next life where we would be able to get answers to all our questions she said, “Men are that they might have joy. I believe that and I don’t think our Heavenly Father meant us to wait. I want you to have joy in THIS life. We BOTH deserve to have joy in this life.”

You may think from how painful this was for her that she was grieving for our eternal family. That she was upset and blamed me because of my attraction to men. No, that was not the case. This incredible woman has been an LGBTQIA+ ally for many, many years. Because of the fields we work in, we are fortunate to know a good number of absolutely incredible people that identify somewhere outside of the sexual and gender “norms”.

To illustrate where she stands on these issues, I would like to share her reaction to the Church’s change in the leadership handbook in November 2015. (If you are not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that date may not mean much to you. You’ll notice that there is a link connected to that date. If you want to understand its significance, follow the link). This was a very difficult time for her. She saw so much love in, and felt so much love from, the same sex couples we knew that it just didn’t feel right. She hurt for those in the Church that this would affect. She and I had numerous conversations about it. It was truly a faith crisis for her. If it affected her that strongly, you may be wondering how it affected me? First, I wasn’t out yet, that was years away still so at the time my identity was not part of the picture. That said, I did not agree with it. I couldn’t understand why the leadership of Christ’s church wasn’t putting love of each other first and foremost. But, because of my upbringing I also knew that no one who has lived, is living or will live on this earth is perfect except Christ. No prophet of the Bible, Book of Mormon, or of our modern day led, or leads, perfectly. I was hopeful when I heard about the new policies that they wouldn’t last. It took 4 years, but, in 2019, about a year after my closet door came crashing down, it was revised and the policy that brought so much pain and loss and caused so many people to walk away, was reversed.

Back to our story.

In case you haven’t picked up on the writing between the lines, we are separated and will be divorcing. So, why didn’t I stick to my belief that we should save the marriage?

First, my wife never wavered that we should investigate all options…keep our hearts and minds open. Me? I continued to read, listen to podcasts, etc. trying to understand it all. One day I was listening to Richard Ostler’s podcast, “Listen, Love & Learn” and he had a very intriguing guest on by the name of Evan Smith. Evan shared the most amazing story about his son, Weston, who came out to his immediate family when he was a Junior in High School. Despite the fact that he had suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts because of the conflict between his sexual orientation and the teachings of the Church, Weston loved the Gospel and prepared for and served as a missionary. He served faithfully but he suffered a lot of unkindness from other missionaries when they found out he was gay. But, that was not the reason he came home. He came home because, in answer to months of praying about what he should do, he received this very clear answer from his Father in Heaven: “Go home, be happy, find a husband & have a family.” Many LDS parents would have been shocked or wondered how this could be? But the Evans knew their son. They knew his dedication to and the connection he had with his God. As I read this I was intrigued. I believe completely in the authenticity of personal revelation and wanted to know more. When it came out on the podcast that Evan Smith had written a book about his experience with Weston, his wife and the Church, I had to read it.

What stuck out to me most was his analysis of the big doctrinal changes throughout Church History. The only way they came about was because someone asked the right question. For example, how did we go from the Bible based racism that was so prevalent for so long and was the root cause the Blacks were banned from receiving the Priesthood to a revelation that reversed that ban in 1978? President Spencer W. Kimball asked the right question.

Around the time I was reading Evan’s book, my wife and I would talk about where we were and how we were feeling about things and I started searching for the right questions to ask her and my Heavenly Father. She was also being inspired to ask the right question…of me. I remember within about a 3 week period she asked me the same question a number of times, “John, do you really think you can love me fully?” At first I answered, “of course.” Then I answered, “I think so, with the Spirit’s help”. Then, as I took the time to really ponder on that question, I finally realized that I couldn’t answer affirmatively, and be truthful. I realized that I was not wired to be able to love her fully. It was then I asked her the question, “Do you think it’s fair for me to ask you to stay in this marriage?” Her answer, “And what about you? Do you think it’s fair for you?”

That’s when I went to God and finally asked the right question, “Would it be best for us to uncouple? To divorce?” I’ll never forget the very sweet answer, full of love and comfort.

Just one word:

Yes.

Until next time…be well and Believe