You might be wondering what happened after High School. Well, I did what most young LDS men do. I got ready for and went on a 2-year mission. It was good, it was hard, and I feel blessed to have gone. Then, off to school where I met, dated, and married my wife. I told you my mother was not your typical Mormon mom, right?  She threatened my life if I got married before I was 25. I got married when I was 24 and 11 months. Luckily, she spared my life.

I spent the next 26 years finishing school, working in and out of my field and raising three amazing kids. My wife and I had very similar understandings of how we wanted to parent and were great partners in that aspect of our life and both feel to this day we were supposed to meet, marry and raise a family together. We were also good friends and there was a lot of joy. Unfortunately, there was also significant pain.

Periodically through our marriage my wife would either hint at or come out and ask me if I was gay. I always vehemently denied it because I didn’t think I was. She, on the other hand, felt that I was holding something back from her. That I wasn’t opening up all the way and letting her in. It’s true, I wasn’t. But what I thought I was holding back from her was my occasional use of porn. I did finally admit to it. I wasn’t exactly humble about it, but I did admit it and, as we worked through the pain that I caused her, we both felt like we should have grown closer. We did in some ways, but we still lacked true intimacy in conversation, understanding, emotional connection, and sex.

Through the years I finally started to admit to myself that I was bisexual, though always maintained that the needle leaned pretty far into the hetero range.

After a mental breakdown during my masters program after which came nearly 2 decades of fighting depression without consistent improvement, my wife looked at me and said, “I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t sit back seeing you unhappy. Get some therapy, change medication…do something because I can’t keep pretending you’re ok. I can’t pretend that I’m ok. I can’t pretend that we’re ok. Please figure it out.”  I knew she was serious, so I talked to my Bishop and starting therapy with a young, but quite intuitive, therapist working with LDS Social Services. I’d been in therapy before, but this time, understanding the ultimatum from my wife, I was determined to be completely open. I really wanted to get to the bottom of my depression and anxiety.

For our 26^th anniversary my wife planned a romantic staycation.  After a nice dinner and checking into a beautiful suite, my well camouflaged closet door came crashing down in a way I couldn’t deny. It was then I finally admitted to my wife, and myself “I think I lean more towards being homosexual than I thought.”

That night, the part of me that had been buried so deeply for decades, was let out of the dark. I found I could breathe deeper and began to understand some of the pain I held inside. It finally had a name. It finally made sense.

That was also the night I broke the heart of my best friend and started us on a journey that, while full of growth, was also full of pain, questioning, disagreement, more pain, some understanding, and some incredibly poignant revelation. I also came to realize that because of her deisre to see me happy, my incredibly amazing companion was now  miserable beyond my understanding.

Lots more to talk about, but, until next time, be well and Believe.