On Sept 15th, 2018, 5 years and 7 days ago, I finally admitted to my then wife that I was definitely farther to the homosexual side of the sexual orientation scale than the heterosexual.  As I think about that now, I’ve migrated even farther. I still find women beautiful and, many times, sexually attractive. Just a couple weeks ago, my former spouse caught my eye in the way she used to when I was falling in love with her.  And, I did fall in love with her and was attracted to her…still am…but not in the way I am attracted to men. In fact, if I let my mind wander and fantasize getting  any more physical with a woman than a good make-out, the thought leaves as quickly as it came…sometimes with a shiver. Yep…I am a waist-up heterosexual. And, as I contemplate my history with men and women, I am definitely homo-romantic. It just took me 50+ years to figure it out.

What does that opening paragraph have to do with shame and internal homophobia? As I wrote it, I questioned it. Why I let my mind fantasize about women sometimes is because I’m still uncomfortable with who I admit I am. I do not yet love my bisexual homoromantic self. I am not completely openly out and authentic with everyone out of fear that they will think differently of me. There are still high school peers I REALLY don’t want to know. One part of me wants to walk down the street holding a man’s hand, but am scared to…I don’t want to be stared at or thought of as weird. I worry that if I fully accept myself, I may find that I’m expressing myself differently and being too “gay”.

Is this because of pressure from my LDS family to conform? Do they fear we won’t have a forever family because of me? Not even close. My former spouse accepts me. My parents and siblings accept me. My kids and their spouses/significant others accept me. Anyone I’ve come out to, even those who took a minute, have been supportive and loving.  But, I still can’t fully accept and love myself. I have been physical with other men…and while it feels more familiar and more aligned with who I actually am, I still feel shame and want to run…or I question what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I am scared of my own sexuality.

And that feeds the shame I feel about myself. But, what is shame?

The definition of Shame according to one of the entries at Collinsdictionary.com:

NOUN

1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another

She was overcome with shame

2.  susceptibility to this feeling

to be without shame

3. disgrace; ignominy

His actions brought shame upon his parents

4. a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret

The bankruptcy of the business was a shame

It was a shame you couldn’t come with us

5.  See for shame!

6.  See put to shame

While this may be a dictionary definition of shame, I don’t think it captures the depth of despair that shame can cause. I believe it’s this definition of shame that caused Lucy Morgan of Glamour, UK to write the following introduction to her February, 2022 article entitled, “There are four types of shame, and they affect us in completely different ways”:

Whether we’re prepared to admit it or not, shame has a consistent presence in our lives. It’s there when we fall over in public and, instead of focusing on our physical pain, we focus on the social damage: Did anyone just see that?

But shame goes beyond general clumsiness. It’s present when we’re romantically rejected; when our boss calls our bluff on a project we’ve failed to complete; when we’re not invited to the party that everyone else has been invited to; and so many more uncomfortable scenarios.

Seriously?  This is what causes some people shame?? Would I feel silly, embarrassed, upset, or angry if I tripped in public, got caught being irresponsible at work, or didn’t get invited to a party? Probably, but would I feel the shame that makes me want to hide in a hole? The shame that keeps me partially hidden in the proverbial closet? The shame that causes so many people to hide their authentic selves out of fear of being abandoned by family, or stay in situations, relationships  or organizations that are damaging  physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically? The shame that caused the transgender son of a friend to attempt suicide at the age of 10 rather than try to explain the gender dysphoria to his parents? When we speak of shame in the LGBTQ+ world, the depth of the feeling makes the idea of not being “invited to the party that everyone has been invited to”, laughable. Or enviable. If that is someone’s idea of shame, their life must be rolling along quite nicely.

Here is where I turn to those who have committed themselves to the study of human emotion, neurology, psychology, genetics.  The study of people raised with harmful and exclusive societal norms that plant and nurture in us an overactive conscience that, if left unchecked can grow into a seemingly uncontrollable  paranoia that if anyone were to see us as  we truly are, we will be ridiculed, rejected, punished, banished, or even killed.

I like this definition in the article, “Shame: Definition, Causes, and Tips” written by Berkeley Well-Being Institute founder, Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.

Shame is…a self-conscious emotion arising from the sense that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself. With shame, we often feel inadequate and full of self-doubt, [even though] these experiences may be outside of our conscious awareness.

And, then, of course, is Brené Brown’s thoughts on shame that literally fill books. I feel drawn especially to this description of shame and some of the consequences from her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” :

When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is related to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying.

When shame is deeply rooted, it is toxic to our well-being and the well-being of those around us. It belittles our greatest accomplishments. It creates a wall around us that is built of suspicion, envy, fear, and hate of self and others that is directly connected to an overall perception that we can never be enough; never be successful, never be loved. 

As I continue to work on shame, I often find it circling around to build upon itself, “I am ashamed that I continue to feel shame.”

My heart goes out to each of you struggling with shame. May you find peace, may you find the courage to empathize with the scared child within and begin living shamefree.

Oh…and If you find a magic pill for it…please let me know.